The Art of Self-Pleasure


A “functional wank” or an evening of bliss all to yourself?

For me, for years, I would masturbate to get to sleep. I would have a quick clitoral orgasm, discharge the energy that “needed releasing” and then crash out. I used to call it a “functional wank”. It was a very masculine approach to self pleasure!

How times have changed! My tantric practice, and the work I’ve done on my femininity in the last few years has changed all that. These days the pleasure builds and builds, and my orgasms can keep rolling, sometimes for hours.

Here’s some shortcuts to help you get from that functional wank to an evening of bliss all for yourself:

Treat yourself as you would treat a gorgeous lover. Make a date night with yourself- put it in the diary and build up the anticipation. It’s a great way to focus your energies when your man needs his “cave time” or is off doing “his thing”.

Set the scene- use lights, candles, incense, buy yourself flowers! Put on some nice music, take a bath. Take time for you, time to relax. Pamper yourself.

Start with a meditation, or a few minutes of awareness. Connect to your breath, feel your energies, come into a space of feeling calm and connected in the present moment. Try to cultivate a state of gratitude, and forget about the day that came before.

Turning self pleasure into a sacred practice empowers you to let go of any guilt or shame, helps you to celebrate your awesomeness as a woman and also helps you reach higher states of consciousness.

Begin to touch yourself- s-l-o-w-l-y. All over. Caress your arms, hands, legs, feet, everywhere. Stay away from your breasts and genitals at the start, and slowly stroke and caress your entire body.  Feel the aliveness of your physical body, become aware of your breath (keep it nice and slow, long deep breaths). Love touching your body in the way your body wants to be touched.

Eventually bring the awareness to your breasts. Using a nice oil (coconut or almond), begin a very slow, sensual breast massage. Do 36 circular motions one way, and then 36 the opposite way. This is a Taoist technique that really helps to energise the whole area, and enhances your arousal. And it helps to spread the energy, so it’s not all located in the genital area.

When you’re really warmed up, take some oil and massage the area of your yoni (the Sanskrit name for vagina is SO much nicer!). Begin touching the outer lips, caressing them, feeling the energy. Notice what feels pleasurable, and keep doing it! Slowly work towards the inner lips, and continue.

Gently caress the clitoris, being sure to slow down the breath. Don’t spend too much time or energy on the clit. Play gently, awaken the energy, feel the arousal, and then either spread the energy by moving the hands over the body, or start to take a finger inside.

It’s helpful to keep caressing the breasts (especially the nipples- we have a direct connection between the nipples and the yoni). You’ll feel yourself getting wetter as you get more aroused.

When you’re ready to go inside, keep the breath slow.Gently insert one finger and explore. Locate your g-spot (the spongy spot on the front wall- when you’re aroused). Keeping pressure on this point will help you to bring awareness and pleasure here. The only golden rule is if something feels good, keep doing it! Many women find if you just keep regular pressure on this point, eventually you’ll experience a g-spot orgasm. It’s much more emotionally and physically satisfying than a clitoral one. The energy flushes upwards, and you may also experience ejaculation (called Kalas by the Tantrics, a wonderful mystical fluid released by the yoni- if you experience this, congratulations!!)

Try to take the pleasure deeper, exploring deeper, experiment with more fingers.

Explore your cervix- the easiest way to find her is to put a cushion under your bum, and bring your knees up to the belly. Deep inside your yoni you’ll feel a bump like a cherry. Massage this gently, taking your time, and notice how you feel. Do you feel pain, numbness or pleasure? Do any emotions come up?

Every time you pleasure and love yourself in this way, you bring more awareness to these areas which have huge potential for pleasure and orgasmic sensations. But this energy can often be dormant or stagnant in the beginning and needs some awakening.

Use toys to help you hit those pleasure spots, a dildo is great, but avoid using vibrators- the energy is so intense and the sensations come so quick, that often it’s over before it’s begun, and they desensitize us. Just as men are desensitized to women’s bodies (particularly yonis) through porn, women get desensitized by vibrators. What poor man can replicate that with his cock?!!

Be patient and loving with yourself, not results-orientated. Enjoy and celebrate every part of you. We should never ever ever ever EVER stop loving and pleasuring ourselves. It’s one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

Only by loving yourself completely, can you expect anyone else to feel the same. And when you know what turns you on, and how to please yourself, and can share that with a partner it’s wonderful. There is nothing sexier than a woman who is confident with her sexuality.

You deserve the best!

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